my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
