new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
