Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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