You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
