I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
