I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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