my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You need Xanax blowdarts
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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