Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Rumble strips road head = magical
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
