i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
