Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
