we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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