So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
