Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
