3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
