I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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