don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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