dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
