Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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