Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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