Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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