Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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