I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
