Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
