Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
