I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
