I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
