How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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