His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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