listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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