I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
