I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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