he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
