I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
