i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
