totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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