I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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