so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
