He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
