So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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