I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
