Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
