my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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