Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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