mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
