I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
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I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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