alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
