just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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