If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
