Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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