I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
