please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
