I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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