I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
