This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
