Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
