I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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