Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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