I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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