I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
