Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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