dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
